Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Need WebMD

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

OMG 🤣🤣

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?