Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.