*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
😂🐈⬛
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Bruh 😂
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night