*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Genius idea!!
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own