*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.