Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Dead sexy!!

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.