Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her