Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired