Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.