*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too