*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you