Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

dutch is not a serious language

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”