Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

ㅤ

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.