*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Sign of the day..
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier