*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”