*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER