Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

This is a genius move

Cow it started Cow it’s going