*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer