*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me trying to look natural in photos
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts