Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true