Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”