Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You Might Also Like
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted