I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I put the mess in domestic.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally