Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.