Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Food gives you energy to nap more.