[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS![]()
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn