Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

😂

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.