Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

money maker

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

This story is comedy gold 😂

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?