Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I have obtained a hat
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.