Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?