Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.