Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#MeanwhileinCanada

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.