Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

no

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

got so much cardio in today

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.