Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.