Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!