Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You Might Also Like
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.