Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.