Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no