Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.