HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆