Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Simple

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.