Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.