Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Mike is short for Micycle
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”