Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”