Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.