Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?