[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You Might Also Like
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
craving $300 all of a sudden
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?