Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

WWE is French for “yes”

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms