Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

New skill unlocked

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

You can’t rush stupid.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare