[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
what day is it?
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.