[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.