Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.