Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?