Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”