[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.