[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You Might Also Like
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it