Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

never forget

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂