Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

We like the way Dwight thinks

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.