wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?
Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme