[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.