@TweetsByKaylee

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

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@miliondollameat

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

@shutupmikeginn

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

@_brittanyv

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme