Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

who did the taste test?

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.