Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.