Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Oops

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Dishonest mechanic?

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

no one likes gloating

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

One of my favorite lines — and I forget who said it — was referring to lighting characters in a dark forest.

“Why do we have lights on these characters in the forest? Where is the light coming from?” and the lighting guy said “The same place as the music!”

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.