Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?