Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I know this now 😂

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.