Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.