Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

A French press is when you hug naked

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool