[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”