Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way