Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet