Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?