Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

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*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.