Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

As per my previous tablet…

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …