Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

i want it utterly assaulted.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Cinema or bowling

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.